Following the Dreams Within You

anx·i·e·ty

aNGˈzīədē/

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome…..

I’ve pretty much had this issue my whole life! One that I can honestly say I’m not of ashamed of. I use to go back and forth between the whole concept of, “if you believe hard enough He(God) will fix the problem” and “well if you say you have anxiety or depression than your speaking it into existence”. Here’s the thing though…… no one can really move forward or overcome a obstacle like this if they’re not allowed to be human and actually feel and really try to work through with what they struggle with and why. I do believe that God can heal but He doesn’t always. I don’t believe that He wants to just fix everything for us so that we can live this happy fairy tale fantasy for the rest of our lives. Depression seems to have a strong hold in my family. I’m not ashamed to say that I go through seasons of it. I’m also pretty sure anxiety runs pretty heavy in my family as well. It’s like depression and anxiety are a part of me and it does not seem as though it will ever just fully disappear and I have accepted that finally.

I am currently on this new journey with myself where I am trying to strip myself of the 

religious qualities that I have been taught and judgments

towards myself that I’ve created. Does that mean I don’t believe….. no. This simply means that I am rebuilding my connection with God from scratch. I am going back to what led me to him and the first place, which was me genuinely trying to understand His nature, without influence from organized religion, which I often times look at as a way to control people. Structure is great but using something so pure and righteous like the Bible to tell people what’s okay and not okay because of human judgement and not because of His conviction that He puts on our hearts, is just not cool. The only rules in beginning a follower is having a deep enough relationship with Him that He will convict you and not some person who don’t agree with how you dress, your tattoos, your piercings and so on. My anxiety had never been so high until I became a leader in the church. I felt like I had to live to a certain standard and dear when I got married and started having kids it tripled because now I felt like I had to carry this perfect image of having it all together. I DO NOT have it altogether and never really did I suppose. I am a woman who was once DEEPLY IN LOVE with GOD and allowed people to destroy that for me by letting their crazy rules and idealization of what a Christian should look like influence me LOL. Like how crazy is that and I’m just a fool for allowing it!

  I guess all this is to say…… I’m not of ashamed of my anxiety and depression. I have been through a lot of shit as a kid, overcame and that went through a lot of shit as a young adult and overcame and now going through a lot of emotional and spiritual shit at 30…. I’m UNASHAMED but who cares because HE loves me just the way that I am. He is the only one that knows my heart and He is that only one I’m going to let judge my crazy emotional loving ass… LOL… So be you and seek Him in your own skin, not the one people believe you should be. Strip yourself of all the things you once thought how it should be. Start over fresh with Him. He is LITERALLY the only damn relationship that matters because HE is your eternity. Seriously if you struggle with depression or anxiety go get help and go unashamed. You don’t want your life to be controlled by your anxiety and depression. My husband has my back and supports me no matter what and I thank God that he was home about 3 weeks ago when I had a damn nervous breakdown. He encouraged me to go to the doctor and so I did. As much as He doesn’t like medicine he is very much relieved that it is actually helping me with no crazy side effects. Everyone needs someone to encourage them when you can’t encourage yourself or don’t want to believe something could be wrong. So, if you have this feeling that keep telling you may be depressed or have anxiety please go and take care of yourself. I support you 100%. Just realizing you have a problem is the first step to renew yourself! Life is what you make it! My experiences has taught me much and they are ones that I am forever grateful for! Many blessings!